Fangamer

• Design by Omnitarian.
• Shirt by American Apparel.
• Two variants: gray and eggplant.
• This shirt is awesome.

You’ll Live it Down One Day, John Leguizamo
(a short story by Reid Young)

You are in your room getting dressed, preparing for your first day as Secretary of State. Your thick-rimmed glasses clatter to the floor as a low, steady rumble begins to shake the house.

You recognize the thunderous sound as footsteps, growing louder as they reach the top of the stairs, approach your room, and then pause…

Your bedroom door splinters off its hinges, crashing into the wall across the room. A shadowy figure steps forth, the hardwood floor popping and cracking beneath his massive steel boots. You instantly recognize him as Omnitarian, the legendary artist, a formidable wizard responsible for the creation of The Box. He seems to have come in search of something, and after a quick scan of your room is instantly disappointed.

“Foiled again…curse you, Nixon! Where is that lizard?!” he mutters to himself. Before you can respond he aims a gun (mysteriously shaped like a TV remote) at the floor and pulls the trigger. A brilliant, tiny speck of light explodes into the floor and instantly collapses in upon itself.

Omni clicks his heels together and a powerful pneumatic blast rockets him through the ceiling as the gaping hole in the floor expands exponentially, devouring everything in its path. Before you can even shriek, you are sucked in.

On the other side of the portal is a white room, empty except for a table and John Leguizamo. He presents you with two shirts, speaking in a thick German accent.

“The gray shirt gives you the ability to effortlessly circumvent the democratic machinations of third world countries while maintaining an incontrovertible air of diplomatic prowess. The purple shirt turns you into a dinosaur.”

You point at the purple shirt, and right as you’re about to grab it, he seizes your hand and begins to shout.

“Get me out of here! You’ve got t—”

His words are drowned out by the Spice Girls, who are instantly upon you, shrieking in your ears.

“..GOTTA GET WITH MY FRIENDS! MAKE IT LAST FOREVER, FRIENDSHIP NEVER ENDS…”

You open your eyes and bolt upright in your bed, hands still grasping for the purple shirt. The local 90’s station blares obnoxiously until one of your angry swats finally connects, sending the alarm clock flying off the nightstand. Your final project for POL 202, a dissertation on Henry Kissinger, lies scattered across the floor.

You wobble out of bed and make your way to the closet. The title screen of the Mario Bros. Movie (last night’s Netflix rental) repeats silently on your muted TV every 10 seconds.

As you struggle to put on your purple Pandora’s Happy Box shirt, you hear heavy footfalls rushing up the stairs. A familiar figure kicks the door open and lunges for you.

“Finally got you! Come with me, Yoshi.”

You raise your hands to fend him off, but your short limbs are virtually useless.